Secrets, Lies & Chat

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Tonight my Mother passed away in the Nursing Home she has lived in since 2000. My Mother actually left her body quite some time ago I believe, with just a remnant of her being remaining for the time it took for her release to come. She died peacefully with a nurse holding her hand. I received a call 15 minutes before she passed over to say she was failing fast but it was too late for me to do a thing about getting to her. It was the one thing I really wanted, to be with her at the end. I visited her 3 weeks ago for 8 days, having been called to her bedside as the end was near. But Mum had other ideas and I had to return home, not wanting to, but having commitments I needed to be here for. If I could have I would have stayed but as there was no way anyone could say how long it would be, my options weren't favouring my stay.

I was bringing in the washing this afternoon, in a howler of a wind, grabbing the clothes before they blew out of my hands across the yard. My mind suddenly was with my Mother and I knew a call was near. I felt she had died and a voice told me I would be going back to Brisbane on Tuesday. I came inside and told my partner Bryan about what I had experienced and then I waited. My daughter and my granddaughter were visiting me, and my son-in-law, and we were in the kitchen making up one of my mother's Christmas puddings from a recipe of hers I had found in the cupboard a couple of days ago. The phone rang; it was my brother telling me Mum wasn't well and to expect a call either tonight or tomorrow. My cousin rang to ask after my mother and I had no sooner hung up the phone than it rang again. It was 15 minutes after the first call from my brother. Our mother had died peacefully; neither of us were with her.

We talked for a little while about Mum and about how we both felt and then we said our goodbyes until my brother makes the arrangements and calls me. At that time my daughter, grand-daughter and my eldest son and I will drive north 1100 kilometres to the service. My mother's wish was that her ashes be placed in my eldest brother's grave, along with my father's ashes that I have safely here with me. Her ashes will be returned to Sydney and I will arrange a small service at the graveside for Mum and Dad.

The end of part of my life occurred tonight with the passing of my Mother. Both my parents have departed this life and now there are just memories. Tonight we celebrated my Mother's life by having dinner together and drinking a bottle of wine, by candlelight. Mum would have loved that and the table looked as she would have had it herself. We had a photo of Mum and Dad on the table with us and we toasted their lives and our love for them.

I'm not devastated by my Mother's death as I have known for weeks it was going to happen. I just didn't know when. She had dementia in an advanced stage, and she had gangrene in both feet and a finger. As far as I'm concerned Mum was already gone and no doubt was hovering above her body wondering why her heart wouldn't stop beating and release her from the hell she was in. My brother, although he isn't what anyone would consider religious, told me tonight he prayed to God to take Mum and he did.

So tonight I sit here late, thinking about many things, and I guess most especially about how I knew my Mother was about to die. It's not a strange thing to happen to me because I often know things before they happen. I'm glad I told Bryan because if I had said it later, then I wouldn't have been believed most likely. I felt her dying although I shook my head and thought I was just wishing it would happen so she would be out of pain. It will be interesting to see now if I head north on Tuesday.

My Mother is now at peace, I hope. She has suffered enough, she deserves peace.

She is not gone, she is just away.


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